The Sardonic Tamper
Cynical coffee addict with a penchant for yummy things, humour, and a bitter outlook on life. And your place of humour to make the daily pain of human stupidity go away.
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I’ve been trying for 15 minutes…

the pain
Too….cold…to get out of bed….to flip record…..

the pain

Georgie Wass by Emma Sweeney for Cosmopolitan UK September 2014

whether or not to purchase the new Alt-j album This Is All Yours (on vinyl)


Miranda Kerr by Mario Testino for GQ UK May 2014


THESE kind of customers. Its like .50 for a refill no need for a hissy fit. 

1. The barista was telling them they couldn’t have a refill. The issue they had was not the price, it was being denied it completely. 
2. If they pulled up the refill policy, then the barista should have read the whole thing and told them that since they stepped out to the patio (outside the store. and yes it counts as outside because…it is outside), the refill courtesy no long applies. 
The rules were on the barista’s side anyways, and since this person was being a jerk, I would’ve made sure I pointed it out to them…on their phone. 

I always thought that free refills didn’t apply to espresso drinks. If I’m wrong please correct me, no problem.


I’m like 98% sure I accidentally put dairy in a drink that was supposed to be made lactose-free and I still feel guilty about it. That was 5 hours ago. 

kleeneck :  Being a barista is not my career. It's my job. I like my job; but it's not exactly the dream, you know? If you're an asshole to me; you're getting decaf. It's the truth. I am providing to you a service and that doesn't make me less of a person than you, so don't dehumanize me in front of an entire store just because you wanted "two extra shots of [expresso] in your coffee [frapp]" and there's only one. (Surprise, you're a dick, you told the cashier one, so they wrote one, so i used one. Liar.)


Yassssssss. I feel you. I have a college degree, but not in coffee. People come in and treat us like we are “less than” and it is disgusting. I am so grateful that I work in customer service because it has taught me how to treat others with respect. I just don’t get it. WE ARE SERVING YOU. Why would you be a dick?

Lesson: treat others how you would like to be treated.

Or.. Don’t be a dick.


One of my favorite parts in being a barista is breaking peoples hearts and totally ruining them like when someone is ordering and they say “I want something decaffeinated, so I’ll have a chai.” Oh boy do I have news for you.

  • DTO: Good morning, when can I get started for you?
  • Customer: Can I get a PSL?
  • Me, DTO and DTB: ............


"I saw on Pinterest that you could…"

things customers have actually said to me


(and how my face looked, probably)

"what’re you going to make for me today baby?"

"you can make it as creamy as you want"

"just stick your finger in it to sweeten it"

"make it extra you….extra hot”

"you probably make some very lucky man coffee every morning at home, right?"

"how bout you tell me your name and a number too?”

❝ Any drink made with the blender will be more of a wait. If you can’t, then don’t order them.

— Confession #20 (via thebaristaconfessional)